Anticipation, Anxiety, Disappointment and Exhaustion: The Final Four Weeks

Nine months ago if anyone had asked me what I knew about pregnancy I would’ve answered with “absolutely nothing!”

Even now, with only 3 weeks left until our due date, I only know what I’ve experienced. People were right when they said every pregnancy is different and it could be a roller coaster of emotion, I know mine certainly was. These final weeks have been no exception.

Anticipation

If the first 8 months hasn’t been full of enough excitement, these last 4 weeks sure does have enough packed into it to give a person baby fever.

Our close friends just had their baby earlier this month and it definitely has made us more excited for the arrival of our little guy.

Everyone keeps telling us to enjoy the time we have before he arrives, but the anticipation of his arrival seems to build more and more as we prepare his nursery, items from our registry are arriving from family and friends and we hear of our other friends welcoming their little bundles of joy!

Anxiety

If the anticipation of Baby Bryan’s arrival doesn’t occupy me enough, here comes the daily dose of anxiety!

There were a few times in the past 8 months when I questioned my ability to be a mother. Sure, I could teach a classroom full of 4-5 year olds, but how would I be with my own?! Would my little one be as well-behaved as some of the students I’ve had or would he be like the few little ones that tested my patience each day?! I was horrified! Tory, on the other hand, always seems to have it together and has been fully confident in our ability to be great parents.

I admit, when we first found out we were pregnant I broke down crying-not of excitement-more of anxiety of what was to come and how things had officially changed (does that make me a bad mom?).

If the 8 months of watching my students and their different personalities and

behavior didn’t give me enough to worry about, my two fur babies definitely made sure Mommy was kept on her toes. There are days when Manny won’t eat or he’ll be sick and it makes me question how I’ll be when Bryan is sick or won’t eat. But then there’s Nugget, oh our little Nugget, it takes a village to raise her!

The other day, she somehow got her paw stuck in her kennel. I thought it was just another small accident like in the past when she flipped her kennel and got her head stuck, or when she ate the tray of her kennel, so it couldn’t have been that bad, right?! WRONG! Her paw was pierced, how did my little baby get her paw stuck in her kennel gate where she was bleeding and I couldn’t get her paw out?! It made me wonder, what if Bryan got into something and hurt himself so bad I felt like a helpless parent?!

Disappointment

I had spent weeks planning and making decorations for our sweet baby’s baby shower, only to be disappointed in the end., crying in the car by myself on the way home.

For a long time I didn’t think that I would have a baby shower because none of my family or closest friends lived near us to host one for us…and I had never heard of a mommy-to-be (in our case parents-to-be) host her own baby shower. After a lot of consideration and encouragement from a few family members, we agreed to have a baby shower for our sweet Bryan, after all, it would only ever happen once.

The day had finally come, my parents and I were frantically trying to setup the hall in time before our guests arrived (unfortunately, my sweet husband came down with a fever and I felt it was best that he stayed home to rest). The first four guests arrived, my cousin-in-law Yung, her son Sam, my bestie Desheila and her newborn son Jose, and I was excited to see how this day would turn out (I’m extremely grateful for my parents, Yung, Sam, Desheila and Jose for being there).

An hour had gone by and still no one else had come…I could tell my parents, my cousin-in-law and my bestie were all trying their best to keep my mind busy and keep me laughing so that I wouldn’t be sad that no one else had come…

Not only was yesterday our baby boy’s shower, but it was also my 26th birthday. Birthdays have always been a big thing in my family, since we came from such a big close family of aunts, uncles and cousins. It was a rush of emotions for me since all of my family is so far away and we weren’t able to share the shower and my birthday with them. On top of all these emotions, trying to stay laughing but also trying not to burst into tears in front of everyone, I was worried sick about my husband who has never been so sick that he couldn’t even get out of bed and I wasn’t home to take care of him at the moment.

My disappointment quickly turned into a series of questions. How could I have had so many responses and confirmations of guests who would be attending, only to have 4 people show up? What if in the future Bryan has birthdays and no one shows up, how could I as a mother possibly explain the feeling of disappointment to him? How do you not set yourself up for disappointment?

I had never once experienced this much disappointment before (sure, my wedding shower had no more than my family and four of my friends, but even then that was bearable because there was something bigger happening that weekend), but as much as I love planning parties and getting all the decorations ready for it, why would I possibly want to be disappointed like this again?

As if this emotional roller coaster wasn’t enough, add in exhaustion and some days it was multiple emotions in a single day.

Exhaustion

People keep telling me to sleep as much as possible before Bryan arrives, but between the cramps, the Braxton Hick contractions swollen legs and arms and all the other glorious symptoms that come along with pregnancy, how, how can a person possibly get sleep?!

The sleepless nights seem to have become a normal thing. Getting through an entire day of work is just an obstacle and even having a simple conversation with someone seems impossible! So, for all those mothers out there, how did you sleep your last trimester? Help this mommy-to-be out!

Would I do it all over again? Absolutely (maybe not the baby shower, but everything else, yes)! I can’t wait for Baby Bryan to arrive and the adventure he will put his daddy and I on in the years to come!