Not Good Enough

I’m going to be honest, I stared at a blank page, a blank screen and my fingers hovering over the keyboard for what felt like days but was only a couple hours… I’ve been searching for the right words to say, for the right tone to express myself, for the right time to bring anything up at all. Even now, I feel like I shouldn’t be writing anything.

For a couple weeks now I’ve felt completely disconnected from everything and sadly, the two most important people in my life. I’ve felt no connection at all. I come home from work and when I once saw a smile from ear-to-ear, I only see very rarely.

Who’s Fault Is It

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart and would lay my life on the line for him. I’d do anything to see him smile, and lately I’ve felt like I just haven’t been able to do that.

Yes, I’m jealous that he smiles from ear-to-ear every time his daddy comes home from work. Yes, I’m jealous that his great grandparents get to spend more time with him now since I had to go back to work.

It’s my fault that I’ve been disconnected from him since I have to do the laundry, cook, clean the house. It’s my fault that the only time I ever spend time with him is to give him his bath {and even these days he bawls his eyes out when we do that} or I’m changing him and feeding him.

It’s my fault that I haven’t found a work-life balance or that I’m spending two hours everyday commuting to and from work instead of spending those two hours with him. It’s my fault that I have to wake up at 4:30 AM every weekday morning to get ready for work so that I’m out of the house by 6:00 AM…

I distanced myself… So it’s my fault that I feel like I’m not the mother that he deserves.

Not Good Enough

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago to new parents letting them know that they were enough and that we all knew that we were doing the best we could. I was completely lying to myself. I haven’t felt like I’ve done nearly as much as I should for my family.

When I’m constantly being told that “I still care too much about myself” or “I’m too young to understand what it means to be a mother,” or I’m just constantly being beaten down for the way I take care of my family, it begins to all sound true after a while.

For a while now I’ve felt like I’m not a good enough mother and wife. I’ve felt like I’ve just being in this huge daze going from one chore to the next. Putting on a fake smile and acting like all is fine in the world, all while I’m completely broken up inside. Not being able to talk to anyone about it because I’m scared of being judged for being selfish, being judged that I don’t want to be a mother or a wife or that I started a family too young and now my husband and son have to suffer for it.

Going Through the Motions

After being told day in and day out that I’m doing this and that wrong, it’s really hard to believe that I’m capable of doing anything at all.

Maybe the meals I’m making are actually disgusting. Maybe my baby’s bottles aren’t warm enough. Maybe I’m not cleaning the house enough. Maybe I’m not bathing my son the right way. Maybe he’s happier with his daddy because he’s around more or loves him more.

But none of this is ever allowed to be spoken about. None of my feelings should ever be validated as okay and that I should be ashamed for the way I feel. I should feel ashamed that I don’t take better care of my family or that I don’t show that I appreciate them. I should be ashamed for choosing a job that’s an hour commute each way instead of working closer to home.

Bottle It Up and Throw Away the Key

They say the first year is always the hardest. But they never mention that the obstacles could break you and that you may feel like you have no one to run to. Our marriage has suffered because I haven’t been able to communicate anything. We’ve argued more because I haven’t been able to ask for help.

How can I ask for help when I’m constantly feeling the need to prove to myself that I am good enough to be a wife, mother and teacher all at once? How can I ask for anyone to listen to how I’m feeling when I can’t even understand what’s going on? How can I expect anyone to understand when I’m feeling like I’m a failure for my own actions?

What more can I do other than to bottle everything up and just act like everything is okay?

I’ve always been better with my written words rather than speaking verbally, which in some ways have come back to bite me in the ass.

How can I tell other new parents that they are good enough when I don’t even believe it myself?