She Knew She Could…But She Didn’t

The champagne bottles popped and the fireworks lit up the sky. All the hopes and dreams were clear as day in my mind as I rang in 2017 as a newlywed and a soon-to-be mommy.

This was going to be my year! Things were going to go my way! I had a plan! …So did God. 

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'” {Jeremiah 29:11}

Goodbye 2017…

There have been many times this year that I have questioned my ability to be a wife, a mother and a teacher. I’ve questioned if the path I was heading down was something I could handle {to be honest, most of the time, I did it alone, because I didn’t want my problems to be someone else’s burden to bear}.

I am no longer the person I entered 2017 as. Unfortunately, I’m ending 2017 as a woman who feels like she has less confidence in her ability to be a wife, a mother and a teacher because of everything that this year has thrown at me and the lack of support I’ve felt but wasn’t able to voice.

2017 was a year of obstacles, fights, financial obligations, new adventures {being a newlywed, becoming a mom and moving cross country} and so much confusion.

It was the year that honestly broke me…

She Knew She Could…

There have been so many times, more so this year than any other year in the past, that I’ve had to prove myself to others on my ability to do something because I was faced with nothing but doubt.

In the past, when this has happened I’ve been able to overlook all those who didn’t support me or those who questioned my decisions. I went down my path without caring what others thought or what others would say to me. I kept those as a motivation to prove them wrong and to show everyone I was capable of doing anything I set out to do.

Who said it’s impossible to tackle the first year of marriage, a newborn baby, a cross-country move and an acceptance into graduate school all in the first year and a half of life as a mother and wife?!

I was taught from a very young age that with some hard work, determination, dedication and faith, I’d be able to do anything I set my mind to do.

But She Didn’t…

I’m going to be honest. This year all of that went out the window! I questioned everything I did in the fear that it would end up disappointing someone in my life. Every move I made, I questioned if it was the right move.

Everyone said the first year of marriage was the toughest, but no one ever warns you about how tough it is when you have the first year of marriage, a newborn baby 4 months into marriage and a cross country move 7 months into marriage.

No one ever said how many times I would question my ability to be a wife or if I was doing my part. No one ever told me I would constantly be questioning my ability to be a mother.

There were days where I would be fully confident in the decisions I made for our son, but then come back around just seconds later with lecture after lecture about how I had my family too early or how I’m not raising my son correctly and that his growth is suffering because of it.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep questioning if I’ve done enough for my family or if the decisions that I’ve made or will make will affect them negatively in the future.

There are so many times a day that I look at my husband, my son, my students and wonder if I’m doing all that I can for them or if they’re happy, growing and learning.

My Plan vs. HIS Plan 

It may have been a hope of mine to be the perfect wife, mother and teacher…but who am I kidding?! NO ONE IS PERFECT!

It may have been a hope of mine to go back to school, because of an opportunity that was presented, but plans have obviously changed because the negatives seemed to have outweighed the positives {or the countless of lectures and negative reactions received}.

As I look back at 2017 as we come closer and closer to 2018, there have been countless times that my plans have not panned out the way that I had wanted them to and I’ve had to remind myself that my plan for my life is far less than the one that has been set out for me before I could even realize I had a plan.

2017 was full of a lot of breakdowns at home, work and even in the car. It’s at these hardest breakdown points that I have to remind myself that God’s plans for me may not be what I thought they would be and that I just have to accept things as they come and learn from them to become a better person, wife, mother and teacher.

Here’s hoping that as 2018 begins, it’s with a bigger heart, a more confident person and a bigger understanding that all things happen for a reason.