Home Stretch…Or Is It?

“Weak made strong, in the Savior’s love. Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.” 

A little over a year ago, we had hit the home stretch of our first pregnancy and I was definitely on a roller coaster of emotions. We had no family around and a very small group of friends that we could rely on {we realized that the day of Bryan’s baby shower when only one of our friends showed up and the one cousin I had in town}.

You would think that now that we are surrounded by an endless number of family and a few more friends than before that I would be much better this time around as we hit the home stretch. Boy, am I wrong! I FEEL LIKE I’M EVEN WORSE!

I’m a disaster this time around! My mood’s are way more up and down. The closer we get to Kennedy’s arrival, the more emotional I’ve gotten about losing a balance in my life that our little family has created.

As joyous as it is to welcome a new member of our family. It seems to be another unspeakable subject for anyone to bring up, let alone me, the mother, that it’s about to disrupt this balance that Tory, Bryan, the dogs and I have created in our home. We’re bringing in a new life, a new personality all into the mix. It’s scary!

One Minute I’m Happy…

I’m so excited to be welcoming our baby girl at the end of July! We finally have a girl! The balance in the house has been restored! It’s no longer 3 boys (Tory, Bryan and Manny) against 2 girls (Nugget and myself)!

I finally get a little girl that I can dress in the adorable dresses {it’s so much more fun to dress girls than boys} and share my love of pageants with…at least until she decides that pageants are or aren’t for her and she’d rather do something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my little boy and he definitely has taught me what it means to be a “boy mom” or even to be around boys {boys play a lot rougher than girls}. I was raised in a household where my dad was the minority and it’s definitely been a learning experience to be the only girl in the house (besides Nugget…but she acts like a boy haha)!

Then I’m Sad…

I’m so sad that things will be changing. On my days off it won’t just be Bryan and Mommy time in a couple of weeks. It’ll be Mommy and babies. This should make me happy right?

I feel like I’ve missed out so much with Bryan in his first year since I was working. Although I had the weekends off to spend with him, it was also the time that was shared with other family members who hadn’t seen Bryan all week. I missed out on some of his firsts because I was stuck at work or stuck commuting home from work.

As much as I’ve tried to explain it to others or to even bring myself to express how I’m feeling, it’s really hard. It’s been so hard to bring myself to accept that I’m feeling this sad when everyone around is trying to tell me I’m supposed to be happy because I’m pregnant. It’s not normal (or at least around the people I’ve been around) to be sad.

I’m sad that things won’t just be Bryan and I anymore and that I haven’t had as much time with just the two of us as I would have liked. It’s so hard to explain it to anyone else, because I feel like I’m coming off as selfish.

Ooh I’m Overwhelmed… 

This time last year, we were completely set with everything we needed for Bryan. We had enough clothes, diapers, wipes and all of his nursery set-up. This time around, we have NOTHING

Everyone looks at me like I’m stupid when I tell them that we have nothing. “But this is your second child, you shouldn’t need that much.” But we do!

I’m sorry but I’m not going to dress my daughter in my son’s old clothes. We don’t have any girl clothes. We don’t have anymore newborn diapers or formula (Yes, I said formula. We tried the breast feeding thing and it wasn’t for us) stored up.

I want new furniture for our daughter. We have two infants/toddlers…we’re not going to share one crib, one car seat, one stroller, etc. I feel like we have nothing ready for Kennedy and she’s arriving in 3 months…

You may say 3 months is a long time… but it’s NOT!!

Why Am I Scared… 

I had mentioned last month that this pregnancy had brought on a number of emotions and I felt like I was just on this crazy roller coaster.

Even with the enormous amount of encouragement and support from my husband, I’m still feeling scared about things. I’m still scared about how delivery and recovery will go. I’m still scared about so many things that I know are out of my control.

OMG Now She’s Angry…

There are so many things I want to say about why I’m feeling angry but I’m not. I’ve learned to hold my tongue and just hold in everything that I have to say about the things that upset me.

I’ve felt worse after venting about things that are upsetting me as opposed to feeling better. The more I vent, the more I feel like I’m being judged by others. All I can say is that I’m tired of being told about all the things that I’m doing wrong and making me feel like I’m a bad parent or a parent that’s making my children suffer because “I had them too young.” 

We’re in the last trimester of this pregnancy and even though there’s this rush of emotions and everyday is like we’re starting on a clean slate as parents, I cannot wait for Kennedy to arrive.

Bryan has taught us a lot about being a parent in his first year alone. We know that Kennedy and Bryan will continue to teach us as we teach them in the years that we have them under our care.

Here’s to the home stretch…or is it?