You Are Worth It

“God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.” 

It’s in the quiet moments during nap time and bed time at night when I have the most time to think and scroll through social media to see what others are up to. To think about what I’ve gone through to get to where I am today. To realize what I’ve experienced to become the wife and mother that I am now. For years I constantly found myself questioning what was wrong with me as a person, but more as a friend.

I never once questioned who I was as a wife and a mother- yes, there are times when I feel like I’m not doing enough- but what mother and wife hasn’t felt that way. But I always question what is wrong with me as a friend…

It has taken me years to be able to muster up the courage to put into words how I feel and not care what others will have to say or think, because quite honestly, I’m tired of feeling hurt all the time.

Feeling like I could’ve saved friendships, when in reality, I probably had no control over what happened and shouldn’t constantly be feeling like it was my fault I lost friends. Maybe some friendships did end because of me in some way, but like any other relationship, a friendship takes work. This type of work can only be taken on by one person for so long before it just fails.

“If you don’t leave your past in your past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.” 

For the longest time I blamed myself for friendships ending and kept living in regret that I didn’t keep up with friends better. At times I live in regret for who I chose to be in our wedding and those I didn’t because experience has taught me that it’s not about who you have known the longest, but who’s been there for you through every big moment that you should hang onto.

I have known people who will travel the world, but when they’re literally in my backyard {or even 2.5 hours away} and don’t even let me know, it really hurt me. People I considered to be close, if not my best, friends- had me questioning myself as a person. I thought I was a good friend. I thought what we had was a close relationship…

To this day, {3 years after our son was born} it still hurts me to think about our baby shower. These friends traveled all over the country, but they couldn’t even drive 4 hours to come celebrate a big moment in my life. I was about to become a mother! I’m literally crying right now on my couch as I write these words because it still hurts.

Four people came to my baby shower…FOUR! My close friend who had just given birth to her own son 6 weeks earlier, my cousin-in-law and my parents. All the friends I went to high school with, the ones in our wedding and the ones we hung out with every weekend (who all attended the baby shower for my friend 7 weeks earlier) couldn’t have bothered to even stop by. We had planned for a shower for 50 guests who all replied they were going and none of them showed up...

I remember trying so hard to be appreciative of the four people who were there, but it hurt me so bad inside. I came home and cried in bed for what seemed like hours…it was not the way I wanted to spend my 26th birthday.

It’s not how I wanted to welcome our son to the world…feeling like his life wasn’t important enough to celebrate. Our daughter was born 16 months later and I didn’t want a baby shower for her because of the fear of being disappointed again {my family did throw me one- not a single friend was in attendance}.

Kennedy’s baby shower 

I went back down to Houston at the beginning of March with my entire family for a funeral and didn’t bother to tell anyone that I once called my friends that I was in town. I honestly didn’t think it mattered or that they would even reach out. I once lived 4 hours away and when they came to town I was never told.

It’s like once I got married and had children I was no longer worthy of their friendship because I wasn’t in the same point of life as they were anymore. Our wedding is literally the last time I saw any of my friends- and that was 4.5 years ago.

“Empower your friends: speak life over people. Remind them of who they are. Pray over them. Empower them. Give them grace when they need it. Be a voice God uses in their life. In a world where the enemy is constantly speaking lies, choose to speak life over your friends.” -Empowering Women Now

For too long I questioned who I was as a person because of all of friends that kept walking out of my life. I questioned who I was because of all the failed relationships.

It took Tory so long to break down my walls and show me my worth, not just as a wife and mother, but as a person. I was worth being a friend with, I was worth relationships that would empower me as a person and worth friendships that supported me unconditionally not when it was convenient.

I’m not saying that I’m not at fault. I’m sure there have been friendships that have ended because of my actions, but it has taken me years to find the courage to speak about how I have felt.

I felt unworthy of friendship. For too long I felt broken down because I didn’t have a circle of friends outside of my family {I will forever be grateful that I come from a large family}. I may not have that circle today, but I’m not afraid of losing friendships that I don’t have anymore for speaking up about how it’s made me feel for so long.

IMG_2010If I could give my younger self any advice, it’s to choose wisely and that it’s okay to have a small circle. Adjust your crown girl and realize that you are worth it!

The people you surround yourself with will empower you to be the person you truly are meant to be, support you in the adventures you embark on and love you unconditionally…

Or the people you surround yourself with can use you for every ounce of love you have to give, tear you down each time you take on a new venture, leave you behind the second your life is no longer convenient for them and have you questioning what friendship really is…

Which circle do you choose?