Mommy Life – Life with Swank

The Loneliness of Motherhood

“But we push forward. Again. We place our loneliness aside. Again. We save making our mom village for another day. Again. We put our kids and family ahead of ourselves. Again. Afterall, that’s what any good mom would do, right? So we chug along day after day, heart longing for connection, heads unable to find the time to create it.”

No one ever mentions how lonely motherhood can feel sometimes. While you may be going through the same journey as someone else, no journey is quite the same and no one will really understand what it is you face or tackle each day. Even if we were to speak up, we risk the chance of being labeled as “selfish” or a “bad mom.”

God forbid you say anything about having a bad day, mention anything about the way you’re feeling or even have the nerve to ask for a break.

Every mama has been there… where she finds even the smallest moment to herself to just let all the tears come out, whether it’s in her car, in the bathroom, under the covers or when all the other adults have left the house. That one cry that she’s held in for what seems like an eternity because she fears the judgement that comes with showing her emotions or any type of vulnerability.

Expectation vs. Reality

Why is there this expectation that moms can never have a bad day? The expectation that we always have to have things together. The judgement that comes along with asking for something we need or speaking up about how we feel, we’re being selfish?

We don’t see any of this being placed on dads. Instead, dads are praised for “babysitting” their children. They’re praised for spending in half the amount of time with their kids that moms do. They’re praised for “helping around the house.” They’re allowed to have bad days. They’re allowed to be tired. They’re allowed to feel angry and frustrated.

The reality is, we, as mamas, have bad days too. We shouldn’t be judged for needing a break. We shouldn’t be judged for not having the house cleaned or put away by the time the other adults in the house come home. We should be treated like what we do each day deserves some recognition and that it’s not just “staying home with the kids and playing.”

How is any of that fair?

Behind the Curtain

I hate that there’s this curtain that we have to put up so that we’re not judged for our abilities as mamas. While things do get tough, we have to act like it’s okay and that we’re always okay with it. We can’t show that it’s breaking us or risk the chance of being called a weak mom.

When you’re exhausted, you can’t just say you’re exhausted because of constantly having to hold it all together, instead you have to come up with some stupid excuse. Lately, for me my excuse is this pregnancy. I’m not really sure what excuse I’ll use after the baby is born but I still have 7 weeks to figure that out.

Yeah this pregnancy has been kicking my butt. But in reality, what’s been even harder for me is having to hold in how I’m really feeling to avoid the judgmental comments and the feeling that even if I have only one bad day, I’m a failing as a wife and mama. I couldn’t possibly have the right to “complain” about what’s really been going on because I “chose this life” and that if it’s hard it’s “because I don’t know how to prioritize things.”

So I put up the front that things are okay, that I’m okay… when in reality, as soon as I have the second to myself, I’m letting out every frustration, every doubt, every feeling I have of being a failure out in what has to be a controlled crying session because any second, one baby will either need me or someone will walk through the door and begin judging me for crying or showing any emotion other than grateful that I get to stay at home and work from home.

In a week when it was meant to be celebrated for something I worked so hard for for the last two years to accomplish, I felt like the biggest failure in my life. Yeah, I finished school and got my master’s. But I’m choosing to work from home and to most people it just looks like I’m sitting on the couch all day on my phone and not doing anything worthy of my degree or recognition. In a week when every mama should be celebrated for all that she does, I felt like the biggest disappointment because there wasn’t any recognition or praise, it was just another day of chores and trying to keep everyone else happy.

Time for Yourself

It’s time for us to stop hiding how we feel and acting like we always have it altogether… Unless you really one of those mamas who has it all together then I gotta hand it to you, I’m not sure how you do it. I put on a front that I have it all together, but we all know very clearly now that I really don’t.

Mama, it’s time to sit down and be honest with ourselves.

-We’re allowed to speak up when we need a break
-We’re allowed to speak up when something is bothering us
-We need to reach out to another mama who won’t judge you
-We need to reach out to someone who has gone through it before

If you find yourself not having that group you can look to, I’m here for you. I’m still working on myself, but I never want another mama to feel like she has to go through all of this alone.

Here’s my advice to you:

-Give yourself grace and forgive yourself
-Make a playlist of songs you can listen to when you’re feeling down that will help life your spirits
-Put aside some time each morning or night for yourself and only yourself
-Create a gratitude journal that only you can see for the things that you’re grateful you’ve done for yourself
-Stand firm when you say you need a break and take that break to enjoy yourself

While this journey of motherhood can certainly feel lonely sometimes, it doesn’t mean that we have to go through it alone. We just have to find the right group of support that’ll be there free of judgment.

Validation and Self-Care

“It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.” -Mandy Hale

There are times when I crave for those late night hours when I’m laying in bed, those early mornings when I’m working before the kids are up just for some time to myself or those silent moments in the car when both toddlers have fallen asleep.

Just for some time where my thoughts aren’t circulating at 100 mph because I’m trying to balance work, giving each toddler the attention they need, making sure the sink is clear of dishes, fixing a toy that broke or opening the 100th snack of the morning.

So as I sit here in the car, sipping my coffee as my toddlers sleep and trying to hold on what ounce of sanity I have left for the day, the mom guilt begins to sink in and I question everything that I thought I knew about myself- as a mama and a person.

The Mom Guilt

Mom guilt hits you differently when you’re a work-from-home mama and you feel like you’re not living up to the expectations you had set for yourself or you’re asked for the millionth time by a family member or friend what it is you do all day or they catch you on your phone that one time during the day and snap at you.

“What are you doing?! Don’t you just stay home with the kids?!”

Yes, I am home with my kids everyday. No, that’s not all I do. I actually work. Cue all the blank stares and the judgments from those who think that I don’t do anything but sit on my phone all day so I shouldn’t have any excuse for why the laundry isn’t done, the sink is full of dishes, the house isn’t cleaned or there’s toys all over the place.

Society’s Expectations

There’s this great expectation of moms created by society that makes us feel like the worst mothers in the world if we don’t meet them. For the longest time, I let these thoughts and opinions effect me so greatly that I was constantly questioning my worth, not only as a mom but as a person.

👜 Working moms:
Society: “It’s a shame that they’re letting someone else raise their children just so they could build a career.”
The mom: “What am I missing out on at home while I’m away?”

💻 Work-from-home moms:
Society: “She’s constantly on her phone all day and doesn’t even pay attention to the kids or get the housework done.”
The mom: “How can I get the most out of my work hours before the kids are up?”

“Raising two kids,
building my own business
from home
and finishing grad school
all at the same
time doesn’t really
amount to much…”

🤱🏻 Stay-at-home moms:
Society: “All she does is stay home with the kids all day.”
The mom: “Am I doing enough to help provide for our family?”

I Give Up!

I have at one point or another been in every single one of these roles. To be quite honest, I’m exhausted…

I’m so tired of having to validate my actions or what I have done each day to make myself feel like I’m actually a good mama. What I thought was a big accomplishment- apparently isn’t.

Raising two kids, building my own business from home and finishing grad school all at the same time doesn’t really amount to much if the kids are acting up in public or the house isn’t cleaned…

It’s gotten to the point where I just give up trying to explain myself and I just give up on caring what others think!

I’m so tired of being talked down to by others because they don’t see what happens on a daily basis, rather they see the few times I’m sitting on the couch on my phone and think that’s all I do every day.

I’m not just sitting on the couch mindlessly scrolling through social media while my toddler (sometimes both of them) is throwing yet another fit for the 10th time today about something I don’t quite understand.

So here it is… to all those who feel they have the right to judge me as a mother…

While you only catch a glimpse into what our daily lives are each day, know that my children are healthy, they’re happy, they live in a safe home and I’m doing all that I can to provide for them.

While you may think all I do is sit around the house all day, I’m doing the best I can to run my business, keep this house clean and raise my children to be decent human beings. Yes, I may have an off day or two, but what human doesn’t?

Who are you to judge me for having an off day? Why is it acceptable for dads and everyone else in this world to have a bad day but a mom isn’t allowed to? WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO BE ON? How is that fair?

Self-Care

We need to normalize moms being able to take breaks, and that doesn’t mean going to the store by herself or getting to take a shower without any interruptions. Taking care of our basic needs like everyone else isn’t a break!

What does it mean for a mom to give herself some time for self-care? It means being able to leave the house on her own to go grab a coffee without any interruptions. It means going out to lunch with her friends without being called home because the children aren’t cooperating. It means being able to say she’s exhausted and needs a break WITHOUT JUDGMENT!

(Now, I’m not saying dads don’t deserve a break too. But they shouldn’t be congratulated or rewarded for taking care of the kids when it’s also their responsibility just as much as it is for moms.)

You Got this Mama!

Whether you’re a stay-at-home mama, work-from-home mama or a working mama, I know we’ve all been there at one point or another when we feel that mom guilt all too much and begin to question our worth as mamas and the work that we do.

Mama, I’m here to remind you that no matter what you’re doing, working or not, you’re doing the best you can for those babies and if the way you do things isn’t living up to the expectations of others, then that’s their problem and not ours! It is more than okay to need a break every now and then.

5 Things I learned in 2020

When many of us look back at 2020, it’s hard for us to see anything but the negative experiences the year left for us, but if you really sit back and take a long, hard look at the year, there were actually some lessons that came out of the past year…well at least there were for me! Each year is a learning lesson to prepare us for our future and 2020 definitely dished out a few lessons worth learning!

Family is everything!

I have always cherished the time I get with my family and have always held family as one of the priorities in my life. This year though really knocked me and my family on our feet when my uncle passed away at the end of February. He was someone who had always been a constant figure in my life and someone that taught me so much growing up…whether it was about finances, how to drive a car or just those random life facts you never thought you needed to know, but it always came in handy one way or another!

His funeral was the weekend right before the world turned upside down and everything locked down! Quite honestly, it was the last time that my family would gather as a complete family. This past year has made me grateful for our family’s health, safety and the time we get with each other. It’s made me realize even more how short life is and how you shouldn’t take these simple moments for granted.

It’s okay to say “no”

I have gone through life always wanting to make sure that those around me were happy. I always had this mindset that the opinion of others mattered and that if someone was unhappy then I hadn’t done something I was supposed to. This was such a toxic mindset and honestly an exhausting one! In 2020, I decided it was time that I did something that made me happy and follow what I had always wanted to do. With the support of my husband, I walked away from my job outside of the home and followed my dream of being a stay-at-home, work-from-home mama.

As hard as it was to walk away from my students and my teaching career, I knew that my heart was at home with Bryan and Kennedy. Our babies grow up so fast and it’s time that we can never get back with them. I didn’t see the point in missing out on this time just to advance in my career…even if it’s what society says is the “right thing” to do.

Yes, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but everyone is also entitled to do what makes them happy! Just because your parents or society tells you that you have to go to college or you have to get a good 9-5 job doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing for you! It’s okay to say “no” to the things that aren’t serving you or making you happy! This life is so short, why are we exhausting ourselves doing things just because it’s what society says is the way things are supposed to be done?

Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak

This was a hard pill to swallow. Say it again with me mamas… “Asking for help doesn’t mean you’re weak!” Just because we’re “mama” doesn’t mean we always have to have all the answers or that we always have to have it altogether! We’re allowed bad days, to need a break.

This year I learned that it’s okay to lean on the support of others and to rely on those closest to you when you need help! Just because you need help doesn’t mean that you are weaker or that you’re not a good mama. It means that you’re doing all that you can to provide the best for your babies! I’ve relied on my husband more and more (especially since this 3rd pregnancy has left me more exhausted than ever before)!

Find your tribe mama. Those that you can rely on. Those that never judge you for the decisions you make! Do you know who they are? Don’t really have anyone you can rely on? Message me and I’d be happy to listen (IG: @lifewithswank)!

It’s okay to not always finish things

If the last one didn’t put you on your butt…this one surely will! I have always been big on to-do lists, checklists and finishing things by the end of the day. With the last year of grad school, working from home, two toddlers running around the house and making sure the house is cleaned and fully stocked with food… mama was exhausted by the end of the day!

I had to fully accept on some days that it’s okay that I didn’t finish things on my lists. There were days when I felt unaccomplished because I left those few tasks unchecked. Or when I felt like I wasn’t doing half the things I normally do because I’m so tired… Tory’s had to remind me quite a few times in the last few weeks it’s okay because I’m growing a human inside of me that’s literally sucking the life out of me!

Give yourself grace mama! We’re doing all that we can! As long as by the end of the day our babies are going to bed happy, fed and cleaned, we’ve done our jobs!

You can’t please everyone

Say it again for the people in the back… “YOU CAN’T PLEASE EVERYONE!” As much as I want to make everyone in my life happy… I know that’s not always going to happen! This year when I walked away from my “stable” jobs to pursue a life as a stay-at-home mama and start my own virtual assistant business, there was a lot of push back from those in my life because I was “wasting my degree” or “not working a stable 9-5 job.”

It took me a while to get over this hump but when I did, I realized that at the end of the day, those whose happiness mattered most to me were the ones under this roof. My babies were happy, my husband was happy and I was happy. Not everyone is going to be okay with the decisions we make but the ones that really love and support you will understand that the decisions you make are what’s best for your family and you.

Those who understand your worth mama, will understand that the decisions you make may not always please them, but are the right ones for you!

What are five things 2020 taught you?

I am Human

Today I was a “bad mom.” Today I lost my cool one too many times. I had little patience and I yelled… It’s the end of the world! Or at least that’s the way society has made mamas feel like when they aren’t up to “standard.” What is the “standard?”

To society, good mamas are the ones that:

Bake the perfect cookies for the babies
Never raise their voices
Never get angry
Never lose their patience
Always cooks the best meals
Always has a clean house
Does the laundry… and keeps up with it
And the list keeps going…

If that’s what we’re being judged on when someone considers whether or not we’re a good mama…then let me tell you… I’m a “bad mom…”

We need to stop letting society’s idea of what being a good mom is effect the way we think about our own abilities as mamas! I’m going to be honest, there have been days when I felt like the worst mom in the world because I burnt the cookies or I raised my voice and had no patience. But does that really make me a bad mom… or does it make me human?

I have been reminded so many times in this wonderful journey of motherhood that someone else’s strengths may be my weaknesses, but my strengths may be someone else’s weaknesses. There’s no such thing as a “perfect mom!” Why? Because everyone’s idea of perfect is completely different from the next person’s! So why are we still comparing ourselves?

When did it become okay for us to judge each other in the way that we choose to parent our children? When did it become okay for mothers to be compared to each other? Every family is different, every child is different, therefore, EVERY MAMA IS DIFFERENT! Say that again! EVERY MAMA IS DIFFERENT!

I am Human

In the 3 years that I have been a mom {I’m still considering myself a newbie, I am in no way as experienced as those mamas who have been doing this for years, let alone decades!}, I have learned that as soon as I think I have a handle on motherhood, life throws me a new year of lessons as my babies continue to grow and learn about themselves! Being a mama is a learning and growing experience!

We are all human! We were not meant to be perfect, nor were we meant to have all the answers! I have learned to accept a few things about my parenting style and I’ve been happier because of it!

I will always burn the bottom of cookies and my babies will learn to love them!
I will lose my temper sometimes, but I will also learn to apologize and take responsibility for my actions.
I will feel like I don’t have it together 24/7 and that’s completely okay!
I will need help and it’s okay to ask for it!

As long as at the end of the day, my babies know how much they are loved, their bellies are full and they are clean, I would consider that a major win!

So stop comparing yourself to other mamas, or stop judging others for their journey and focus on yourself and your journey! We’re all human and remember we are more than just “Mama.” We don’t have to be perfect, or the best at it, we just have to know that we’re growing and learning with each day that we have with our babies!

Asking for Grace

“A Real Mom: Emotional, yet the rock. Tired, but keeps going. Worried, but full of hope. Impatient, yet patient. Overwhelmed, but never quits. Amazing, even though doubted. Wonderful, even in chaos. Life changer, every single day.”
-Rachel Martin

It’s been a long day… you pop your airpods/headphones in and turn on some music and there’s that one song that comes on and all the emotions from the week or the day that you’ve kept inside just come pouring out.

Do you have that song in your mind right now?

Mine’s currently on repeat as I sit in the dark typing this after what should’ve been a relaxing and stress-free week… I’ve held in emotions, and the lyrics to “I Need Thee” by Caleb and Kelsey now have me letting out every tear I’ve held in.

For every second that I felt like a horrible wife this week. For every second I felt like a terrible mama. For every second that the mom guilt has kicked in… this song has me laying it all out in silence, so I won’t wake up the rest of the sleeping house, as tears roll down my cheeks and I stopped holding it all back.

As mothers and wives, we constantly feel the need to keep it all together amidst all the chaos of the household, the emotions of the kids, the stress of everyday life, while controlling our own emotions and not letting it be seen. The second we lose it, it’s like we’re showing a weakness and that it’s not something that should be shown by someone who’s supposed to have it all together.

Have you ever said something out loud and felt like you were selfish the instant it came out? You’re not alone. Even though I know it feels that way… we’re the silent criers, the small smiles and nods that everything is fine, the deep breaths in between tasks…

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve asked for grace as a mother and wife, but I’ve never allowed myself the grace. While others may have given it to me, I continue to make myself feel horrible for having feelings or for speaking up about how I feel. I feel selfish for wanting a break. I feel selfish for making a big deal about things that shouldn’t seem to matter.

“I need you now. All I want is only you. I need you now. I need thee oh I need thee. Every hour I need thee. Oh bless, me now my savior, I come to thee.”

It is okay to admit that we are broken and hurting and that sometimes we may be a little lost. We are not perfect, we weren’t created to be perfect. This journey that we are on as mothers was never meant to be easy, but it was also never meant to be journeyed alone!

Find a group of mamas that you can go to when you are feeling like the worse mama in the world or when you know you need grace but you are having a hard time giving it to yourself. This life is hard enough without us giving ourselves a harder time about the choices we make or the things that don’t seem to go our way!

I need grace this week for not allowing myself to communicate about how I felt about plans that were made. I need grace this week for feeling like a horrible mama for not being there for my babies’ first trip to the farm. I need grace this week for not being able to hold it together as well as other weeks. I need grace for letting jealousy get the best of me…

How can you ask for grace this week mama?

Breakpoint Reached

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” -James 1:2-4 (NIV)

The last few weeks, the journey of motherhood has pushed me to my limits. It has pushed me to my breaking point and it has made me feel like I wasn’t worth being a mother. That I had failed my kids and that I will continue to keep failing my kids because I wasn’t good enough.

Last week, I allowed myself to be vulnerable and opened up about the trying week I had had as a mama and wanted to remind all mamas that we aren’t alone in all of this.

But what I needed to remind myself was that sometimes it’s okay to be alone. Sometimes it’s okay to need to stand alone and stand your ground when it comes to your children.

While last week, I hated being the “bad guy or the mean parent” to my babies, this week, I hated that I needed to be the “bad guy” towards my family. I needed to stand my ground and to be able to say “No,” even if it meant that it would upset some family members.

We live in a society that pushes several different opinions on us as parents and we are constantly being told or made to feel that if we don’t do something one way or we don’t let our children do something, we are not being good parents. We are not doing what’s been done for generations or we’re not parenting the way we were parented, and that’s not good.

No one can judge us and how we choose to be parents, but God. Only His opinion matters the most.

I truly believe that God not only made us unique as individuals, but He also made us unique as parents. Every mama and daddy’s journey through parenthood is completely different than the next.

Yes, we may experience similar situations and people may offer their opinions and advice, but that’s just it… Those are only opinions and advice. It’s not something we need to do every time or something we must follow.

Today, while listening to Sunday Service with Hillsong East Coast and hearing the opening scripture in James 1:1-13… I realized that while I may be going against the grain or what’s expected as a mama, I’m creating my own path.

I’m becoming a unique mama and not a mama like the rest of my family because every situation my babies and I go through on this journey is completely different than the one that anyone else before me has gone through. While we can use others as our examples, it doesn’t mean that we must use them as instructions down to the T.

“Our calling doesn’t come without negatives voices.”

This journey of motherhood will always come with trials and the opinions of others, it doesn’t mean that we cannot pave our own way as mothers, that we are bad mothers if we don’t follow this advice or we choose to do something differently.

We need to find the joy in our journey as mothers again if we have lost that joy. Or if you haven’t lost that joy, continue to hold onto it even when others are finding a way to show you that what you’re doing makes you a “bad parent.”

God made us mamas for a reason and brought each of our children into our lives at a certain point in our lives for a reason. Our journeys as mamas has a purpose and we need to trust that God’s plans for us will alway be far greater than the ones we have for ourselves.

“God will make a way when there seems to be no way.” -Meredith Pizzurro

I’m putting my faith in Him that His plans for me as a mama is far greater and that all the trails I face on this journey is only shaping me to be a stronger mama for my family.

Dear God, I pray for all the mamas on this journey you have given us and that you give us the strength, grace and patience we need to be the most amazing examples of your love for our children. I pray for the mama reading this that she feels your love and your guidance on her journey and that she understands and embraces her uniqueness that this role brings to her life and her children’s lives. Amen.

Mama, I hope you have an amazing week ahead of you with your babies and if there’s anything you need, know that I’m always here!

Add a little “swank” into your life and follow your heart! Have an awesome week!

Bringing Faith Back into My Life

I have always been a planner! I’ve always had to use a physical planner with multiple pen colors. Each color represented something different, whether it was a different activity or priority based. This is how I kept my life organized!

As a wife, mom, entrepreneur and student, it means that I’m constantly having things added to my daily schedule and it’s hard to keep track of on my phone. I’ve gone through so many different planners to find the perfect one for me and for my life!

The undated planner by Christian Planner is hands down the BEST planner I have ever used!

There’s space for daily, weekly and monthly planning, accountability trackers and, my favorite, a section each week for Sunday Service notes! This space gives you the chance to write and draw things that spoke to me while listening to service!

I’ve always known how important it is to have faith in every aspect of my life but Christian Planner has really taken that to the next level by giving us resources to help us implement our faith into our daily routines and work schedule!

My life has always been on the go! With 3 part-time jobs, going to school part-time, raising two toddlers and running own business, you would think it could get chaotic! It does at times, but that’s why I’ve always loved having a planner and having something that I can write things down in.

My planner is the one accountability tool that never let’s me down! It never lets me forget things and now, I have a way of holding myself accountable for my goals, my routines and my faith all in one place! I love that at the top of each week, there’s a faith based quote or Bible verse! It’s a reminder for me each day that without faith, none of this would be possible! It’s also a reminder for me on the toughest days that I need to turn to my faith for guidance!

A unique aspect of the Christian Planner, is that it provides a space each week for Sunday Services notes and reflections. So many times I feel like we just go to services and go through the motions.

I know that since I’ve started writing down my thoughts and my reactions while listening to service, it stays with me much longer than just the one hour that I’m sitting there listening! It gives me a way to look back on past week’s messages and reflect on it each week as I begin a new week of work.

This part of the planner also has a plan for how I can improve my relationship with God, myself and others each week. This planner has so many different ways to hold us accountable for our actions and our goals each week!

Since I started using this, I’ve felt so much more connected to my faith in all aspects of my life and so much more organized than before! I don’t feel like life is as chaotic as it may sound when I tell people I have 3 part-time jobs, go to school part-time, raising two toddlers at home and creating my own business. I’m not crazy, I just found a tool that has helped me stay organized!

Give Yourself Grace

Have you just had one of those days where you’re sitting on the couch, listening to some music, a song comes on and it just breaks you? Whatever will power you had to keep things together for however long you have been doesn’t matter anymore? A rush of emotions just overcomes you and it all just comes out?

How often has it been when you’re alone? How often does it happen?

I was sitting on my couch on this gorgeous Sunday afternoon while my babies were napping, listening to Sunday service with Hillsong East Coast. I decided to turn on some worship music instead on my phone with Hillsong United. The song “You” came on and I just broke.

Every bit of me that had been holding in any emotions I’ve been feeling…overwhelmed… frustrated… hurt… confused… angry… annoyed… happy… grateful… it all came out in that moment as soon as the song started.

The stress and the feeling that I have to be a perfect and successful mom, wife, student and entrepreneur was clearly built up inside of me and only had one way of getting out today… it was a cry I needed. It was a moment I needed to realize that I wasn’t giving myself any grace for my mistakes, for my actions or my feelings.

In those 4 minutes, I have never felt so vulnerable. I can’t even tell you how long I’ve been holding it together that nothing is wrong and that everything is perfect.

The Perfect Mom…She Doesn’t Exist!

PERFECT… HA! That word is such a joke! Why do we as mothers always have to have things be perfect? Why do we put pressure on each other to be the perfect moms? Why do we let society put it in our heads that if we aren’t perfect, we aren’t good moms?

Show me a mom that has it together 100% of the time and I will have so many questions for her! Show me a mom who says she has everything in her household the way she wants it and it works out 100% of the time and I’ll ask her how she does it without feeling like a robot!

Last night, and the last few nights, Bryan and I haven’t seen eye-to-eye during bed time and all he wanted was Daddy. He would cry for Tory and it would hurt me so much because I felt like I couldn’t do anything to help him. After Bryan fought me for 2 hours to sleep last night, I picked him up and cradled him like a baby and within 5 minutes, he was fast asleep.

“Don’t let his tantrums make you feel any less of a parent. You’re doing what you can to make him a good kid in this world and he will see it when he’s older.”

The Perfect Wife… Are You Married to a Robot?

Have you ever watched that Nicole Kidman movie, The Stepford Wives? Those are the only perfect wives in this world! Everyone’s idea of perfect is different from the next. So why is that society and culture make it that we as wives, must be perfect in every way? We have to keep the house clean, keep up with the laundry and cook a home-cooked meal every night.

I am exhausted trying to keep the house clean and to make a meal plan every week of meals and not having to go to the same meals every week…

Today, right before nap time, I put Kennedy’s bottle of milk into the microwave, but forgot I had taken the tray out to clean it so milk went all over the place… right after I had just cleaned the entire kitchen…

Tory tells me at least several times a week how amazing I am and how grateful he is to be married to someone who has helped him build a strong future for our children. Why then am I still trying to make things perfect in our home?

Why do I let the words and thoughts of society and my culture get to me so much that I’m overwhelming myself with the “duties of a wife and mother?”

My children and husband give me so much grace for the bad days that I have where I may get a little annoyed easier than usual or I raise my voice more than I would like. Why can’t I give myself grace? Why do I let what society thinks get to me so much?

Have Grace for Yourself Mama

Mamas, we need to give ourselves and each other more grace for who we are and for our efforts to raise and care for our families. I’m so lucky to have found a group of strong, dedicated mamas through social media (@Mom’s Timeout…you ladies know who you are) that have helped me understand that we all deserve to give ourselves grace!

This week and moving forward, I’m focusing on giving myself more grace, letting myself ask for help when I need it and not feeling ashamed that I couldn’t do it on my own and when needed, a really good cry!

This life is already so hard…why be harder on ourselves? How will you give yourself grace this week? Share it in the comments below!

The Journey Ahead

https://www.instagram.com/p/CAI2ArtAcxl/

I can’t remember a time that I never wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. I can remember the push-back I received from those in my life when I would tell them what I wanted to do. “Why would you want to waste your life doing that?” Those words still pierce my heart to this day.

So I chose a career path in college that focused on my passion for writing in the hopes that I could find joy in a career that allowed me to write… even then I couldn’t find who I was meant to be or joy in what I was doing.

Again, I went down another career path hoping that the opportunity to work with children each day would bring me the greatest amount of joy and accomplishment this world could provide. And for much longer than my journalism career, my teaching career brought more joy and a sense of purpose to my life…

Until I held Bryan in my arms for the first time, seconds after he was born…

That feeling of wanting to be home with him everyday and being there for

him without asking work for permission lingered in the back of my mind. I didn’t want to go back to work, but I knew I had to in order to provide a life for him that didn’t come with too much uncertainty, but instead safety and the greatest amount of care and love he deserved.

While I spent my days working and counting down the hours until Tory and I were home with Bryan, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was something better than going to work everyday and waiting for the weekend.

Why were we, as kids, in such a rush to grow up? So we could go to work 5 days a week, for 10 hours a day, just so we could enjoy life on the other 2 days a week? Saving up for our vacation days so we could be with our family?

A Selfish Dream

What was so wonderful of working and being treated by your employer as something that was replaceable? There have been very few, if any, employers that I have worked for that didn’t treat their employees like another part of a machine that could easily be replaced when they had no use for them anymore.

But I continued to get up everyday and go to work because it was “the responsible thing to do.” As an adult it seemed irresponsible to have other dreams. Sure, you could have dreams for your children, but to dream of a better life that didn’t involve clocking into a work place, was just selfish and “burdening the family.” So, I put that dream of being a stay-at-home mom in the back of my mind, because it wasn’t fair to my family for me not to work, or at least that’s how I felt when I would tell people what I really wanted to do.

When Kennedy was born, the want to be home with them only grew stronger. While I continued to work, I settled for working 3 part-time jobs so that I could be home with them during their waking hours.

I was up most days of the week to be at work by 4 AM and came back home around 12 PM. When they napped, I studied for school because I told myself I was going to become an education administrator. When they went down at night for bed, I would clock in more hours remotely for work and study again until midnight. Go to bed and repeat it again at 4 AM the next day. I had no right to complain. Tory was working 10 hours a day, 5 days a week, an hour away… I had it easy, several people made that clear.

Then quarantine hit…

“Even when I don’t see it, you’re working.
Even when I don’t feel it, you’re working.
You never stop, you never stop working.
You never stop, you never stop working.
Way maker, miracle worker, promise keeper.
Light in the darkness.
My God, that is who you are.”
-Way Maker: Caleb and Kelsey

Quarantine 2020

New year 2020 happy wishes for wife, husband, daughter-in-law and ...

As crappy as it has started, this year has already helped me realize that life is too short to keep wondering “what if” and working everyday while squeezing life into the cracks.

While others have hated quarantine and see it as a burden on their lives, I’ve taken this time to take back control. I have been trying to take the steps towards a life I’ve always wanted as a full-time stay-at-home mom. I want to be there for my husband and my babies the way I want to, not the way life and every negative person has told me I could.

I’ve watched so many people succeed at working from home who have no

responsibilities other than their own life and dreams, so why is it so hard and selfish for me to want to do the same so I can be here for my family? Why is it so hard for me to find a way to make this work for my family without feeling guilt and like I’m being selfish for wanting this life?

To the mama reading this, struggling with the same guilt, you are not alone! Your dreams for your family are not invalid! Your wish to be at home with your babies isn’t selfish!

I pray that God finds favor in our dreams to be at home with our families. I have never doubted that His plan for my life stretches beyond what I could ever imagine. I know He is working on my life, I just pray I have the strength and patience to overcome these storms.

A Mother’s Journey

Growing up, I was surrounded by strong, dedicated, loving, successful women. My role models weren’t celebrities, politicians or educators. Whenever I was asked who I looked up to or who I wanted to be like when I grew up, I thought of those who were a part of my own family and shared my blood.

So of course, I thought I would be just as successful as them in my professional career and as a mother. Boy, was I in for a huge wake-up call!

The Long Road Ahead

There have been many times, in pageant and job interviews, where I have been asked “Where do you see yourself five years from now?” You would think by now, this question wouldn’t scare me… it still does.

I can see where I want my life to be. I can vividly see myself working from home, owning my own business and being the stay-at-home mom I’ve always wanted to be (I can already hear the “Skeptic Stacys” out there questioning my choice of profession: “You want to be a stay-at-home mom??” Yes, I always have). I can see myself attending every little league game, dance competition, soccer game, pageant or whatever it is our babies decide they want to do, without having to ask work for time off or worrying that my vacation time won’t be approved.

Why then does this question make me so scared?

Even though I can see it, the road there is far from a straight path. I have always known and truly believed that every person’s journey in this life is unique and that God has a plan. A plan that so amazing, we could never imagine it for ourselves.

I just can’t help but wonder if I have deviated too far from this life He had set out for me. Did I take a wrong turn somewhere? I have never questioned my life as a wife and mother. I will never question these two roles given to me because I know I was meant for this part of my life. What I do question is, did I take my family down a path we shouldn’t have traveled down and now we’re constantly trying to find our way back?

A Purpose-Filled Life

I am eight years post-grad, halfway through my graduate career and three years into motherhood. I feel like I’m far from the successful woman I thought I would be by now. Rather than feeling successful, I feel like I’m one more failed career attempt and tantrum before I begin questioning what my purpose is in this life.

Am I here to just jump from job-to-job the rest of my life or just here to manage the tantrums until they’re old enough to understand that life isn’t fair and you don’t always get what you want?

I have always put others’ needs and wants before my own. It’s how I was raised. I watched my mom do the same thing. Although she pursued her dream to earn her Master’s in Business Administration, I watched her constantly put herself last when it came to the dreams and goals my dad, sister and I had set for ourselves.

I feel like that’s exactly where I am today. The second things seem to get tough, excuses are flying from every direction, I immediately become discouraged and think that what I had dreamed for myself isn’t possible.

Maybe it’s just that. My purpose in this life is to help others towards their dreams and goals. Whether it’s to rise in the ranks at work, to live a healthier life or to be the best parent there is, maybe I was meant to help those in my life make these things possible.

A Journey Meant to be Traveled

So many people have said to me on my journey towards creating my own business, “Oh you’re one of those people now.” or “You’ll go crazy working from home.” What they don’t seem to understand is while some may feel trapped working from home or dealing with the wants and needs of kids all day, this is where I have always felt the happiest.

Yes, the days may run together and the quarantine hasn’t given us the option to leave the house, but I’ve never been happier to put in a few hours of work in the early mornings before the kids have woken up or at night when they’ve gone to bed! All that means is that I get the entire day to do whatever they want without having to worry that I’m not doing my part in providing for our family.

I know this journey was never meant to be easy, but it was meant to be traveled. Anything worth it, never came without hard work. There’s a part of me that wishes I had more support, but then there’s a part that understands that God sends us on some journeys alone so that when we bring others later, it’s a journey filled with less hardship and more joy.

I pray that God gives me the strength and persistence to do all that I can for my family. My journey as a wife and mother may not look the same as my role models, but I know that I am not weak because of who raised me.

To all the mommas out there who are struggling to find their way, know that while our paths may not look the same, you are never alone. You are strong and you are the foundation that your family needs to thrive in this world!