Category Archives: Mommy Life

“God doesn’t give you the people you want. He gives you the people you need. To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you the person you were meant to be.” 

It’s in the quiet moments during nap time and bed time at night when I have the most time to think and scroll through social media to see what others are up to. To think about what I’ve gone through to get to where I am today. To realize what I’ve experienced to become the wife and mother that I am now. For years I constantly found myself questioning what was wrong with me as a person, but more as a friend.

I never once questioned who I was as a wife and a mother- yes, there are times when I feel like I’m not doing enough- but what mother and wife hasn’t felt that way. But I always question what is wrong with me as a friend…

It has taken me years to be able to muster up the courage to put into words how I feel and not care what others will have to say or think, because quite honestly, I’m tired of feeling hurt all the time.

Feeling like I could’ve saved friendships, when in reality, I probably had no control over what happened and shouldn’t constantly be feeling like it was my fault I lost friends. Maybe some friendships did end because of me in some way, but like any other relationship, a friendship takes work. This type of work can only be taken on by one person for so long before it just fails.

“If you don’t leave your past in your past, it will destroy your future. Live for what today has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.” 

For the longest time I blamed myself for friendships ending and kept living in regret that I didn’t keep up with friends better. At times I live in regret for who I chose to be in our wedding and those I didn’t because experience has taught me that it’s not about who you have known the longest, but who’s been there for you through every big moment that you should hang onto.

I have known people who will travel the world, but when they’re literally in my backyard {or even 2.5 hours away} and don’t even let me know, it really hurt me. People I considered to be close, if not my best, friends- had me questioning myself as a person. I thought I was a good friend. I thought what we had was a close relationship…

To this day, {3 years after our son was born} it still hurts me to think about our baby shower. These friends traveled all over the country, but they couldn’t even drive 4 hours to come celebrate a big moment in my life. I was about to become a mother! I’m literally crying right now on my couch as I write these words because it still hurts.

Four people came to my baby shower…FOUR! My close friend who had just given birth to her own son 6 weeks earlier, my cousin-in-law and my parents. All the friends I went to high school with, the ones in our wedding and the ones we hung out with every weekend (who all attended the baby shower for my friend 7 weeks earlier) couldn’t have bothered to even stop by. We had planned for a shower for 50 guests who all replied they were going and none of them showed up...

I remember trying so hard to be appreciative of the four people who were there, but it hurt me so bad inside. I came home and cried in bed for what seemed like hours…it was not the way I wanted to spend my 26th birthday.

It’s not how I wanted to welcome our son to the world…feeling like his life wasn’t important enough to celebrate. Our daughter was born 16 months later and I didn’t want a baby shower for her because of the fear of being disappointed again {my family did throw me one- not a single friend was in attendance}.

I went back down to Houston at the beginning of March with my entire family for a funeral and didn’t bother to tell anyone that I once called my friends that I was in town. I honestly didn’t think it mattered or that they would even reach out. I once lived 4 hours away and when they came to town I was never told.

It’s like once I got married and had children I was no longer worthy of their friendship because I wasn’t in the same point of life as they were anymore. Our wedding is literally the last time I saw any of my friends- and that was 4.5 years ago.

“Empower your friends: speak life over people. Remind them of who they are. Pray over them. Empower them. Give them grace when they need it. Be a voice God uses in their life. In a world where the enemy is constantly speaking lies, choose to speak life over your friends.” -Empowering Women Now

For too long I questioned who I was as a person because of all of friends that kept walking out of my life. I questioned who I was because of all the failed relationships.

It took Tory so long to break down my walls and show me my worth, not just as a wife and mother, but as a person. I was worth being a friend with, I was worth relationships that would empower me as a person and worth friendships that supported me unconditionally not when it was convenient.

I’m not saying that I’m not at fault. I’m sure there have been friendships that have ended because of my actions, but it has taken me years to find the courage to speak about how I have felt.

I felt unworthy of friendship. For too long I felt broken down because I didn’t have a circle of friends outside of my family {I will forever be grateful that I come from a large family}. I may not have that circle today, but I’m not afraid of losing friendships that I don’t have anymore for speaking up about how it’s made me feel for so long.

If I could give my younger self any advice, it’s to choose wisely and that it’s okay to have a small circle. Adjust your crown girl and realize that you are worth it!

The people you surround yourself with will empower you to be the person you truly are meant to be, support you in the adventures you embark on and love you unconditionally…

Or the people you surround yourself with can use you for every ounce of love you have to give, tear you down each time you take on a new venture, leave you behind the second your life is no longer convenient for them and have you questioning what friendship really is…

Which circle do you choose?

“Weak made strong, in the Savior’s love. Through the storm, He is Lord. Lord of all.” 

A little over a year ago, we had hit the home stretch of our first pregnancy and I was definitely on a roller coaster of emotions. We had no family around and a very small group of friends that we could rely on {we realized that the day of Bryan’s baby shower when only one of our friends showed up and the one cousin I had in town}.

You would think that now that we are surrounded by an endless number of family and a few more friends than before that I would be much better this time around as we hit the home stretch. Boy, am I wrong! I FEEL LIKE I’M EVEN WORSE!

I’m a disaster this time around! My mood’s are way more up and down. The closer we get to Kennedy’s arrival, the more emotional I’ve gotten about losing a balance in my life that our little family has created.

As joyous as it is to welcome a new member of our family. It seems to be another unspeakable subject for anyone to bring up, let alone me, the mother, that it’s about to disrupt this balance that Tory, Bryan, the dogs and I have created in our home. We’re bringing in a new life, a new personality all into the mix. It’s scary!

One Minute I’m Happy…

I’m so excited to be welcoming our baby girl at the end of July! We finally have a girl! The balance in the house has been restored! It’s no longer 3 boys (Tory, Bryan and Manny) against 2 girls (Nugget and myself)!

I finally get a little girl that I can dress in the adorable dresses {it’s so much more fun to dress girls than boys} and share my love of pageants with…at least until she decides that pageants are or aren’t for her and she’d rather do something else.

Don’t get me wrong, I love having my little boy and he definitely has taught me what it means to be a “boy mom” or even to be around boys {boys play a lot rougher than girls}. I was raised in a household where my dad was the minority and it’s definitely been a learning experience to be the only girl in the house (besides Nugget…but she acts like a boy haha)!

Then I’m Sad…

I’m so sad that things will be changing. On my days off it won’t just be Bryan and Mommy time in a couple of weeks. It’ll be Mommy and babies. This should make me happy right?

I feel like I’ve missed out so much with Bryan in his first year since I was working. Although I had the weekends off to spend with him, it was also the time that was shared with other family members who hadn’t seen Bryan all week. I missed out on some of his firsts because I was stuck at work or stuck commuting home from work.

As much as I’ve tried to explain it to others or to even bring myself to express how I’m feeling, it’s really hard. It’s been so hard to bring myself to accept that I’m feeling this sad when everyone around is trying to tell me I’m supposed to be happy because I’m pregnant. It’s not normal (or at least around the people I’ve been around) to be sad.

I’m sad that things won’t just be Bryan and I anymore and that I haven’t had as much time with just the two of us as I would have liked. It’s so hard to explain it to anyone else, because I feel like I’m coming off as selfish.

Ooh I’m Overwhelmed… 

This time last year, we were completely set with everything we needed for Bryan. We had enough clothes, diapers, wipes and all of his nursery set-up. This time around, we have NOTHING…

Everyone looks at me like I’m stupid when I tell them that we have nothing. “But this is your second child, you shouldn’t need that much.” But we do!

I’m sorry but I’m not going to dress my daughter in my son’s old clothes. We don’t have any girl clothes. We don’t have anymore newborn diapers or formula (Yes, I said formula. We tried the breast feeding thing and it wasn’t for us) stored up.

I want new furniture for our daughter. We have two infants/toddlers…we’re not going to share one crib, one car seat, one stroller, etc. I feel like we have nothing ready for Kennedy and she’s arriving in 3 months…

You may say 3 months is a long time… but it’s NOT!!

Why Am I Scared… 

I had mentioned last month that this pregnancy had brought on a number of emotions and I felt like I was just on this crazy roller coaster.

Even with the enormous amount of encouragement and support from my husband, I’m still feeling scared about things. I’m still scared about how delivery and recovery will go. I’m still scared about so many things that I know are out of my control.

OMG Now She’s Angry…

There are so many things I want to say about why I’m feeling angry but I’m not. I’ve learned to hold my tongue and just hold in everything that I have to say about the things that upset me.

I’ve felt worse after venting about things that are upsetting me as opposed to feeling better. The more I vent, the more I feel like I’m being judged by others. All I can say is that I’m tired of being told about all the things that I’m doing wrong and making me feel like I’m a bad parent or a parent that’s making my children suffer because “I had them too young.” 

We’re in the last trimester of this pregnancy and even though there’s this rush of emotions and everyday is like we’re starting on a clean slate as parents, I cannot wait for Kennedy to arrive.

Bryan has taught us a lot about being a parent in his first year alone. We know that Kennedy and Bryan will continue to teach us as we teach them in the years that we have them under our care.

Here’s to the home stretch…or is it?

If anyone ever argued that a woman isn’t strong for all that she endures during pregnancy or that anyone can do it is a complete fool!

There’s always been this stigma about feeling anything other than joy when pregnant. How could you feel any other sort of emotion?! You’re creating a new life. You should be happy about that right?

NO! That’s not the only feeling that comes up when you’re pregnant. You’re dealing with 9 months of up and down emotions because your hormones are all over the place and there are times when you yourself can’t seem to explain it.

The second you open up your mouth to express anything other than happiness, there’s a flood of questions that make you feel ashamed for the way you feel, embarrassed for voicing your feelings if they don’t express how excited and happy you are for the birth of you child.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m completely elated for the birth of baby 2. Bryan is the biggest blessing and joy in my life and I wouldn’t change the past year of my life for a second!

There’s just this overwhelming mix of crippling fear and insecurity that’s seemed to overcome me this time around and I’m at my breaking point because I’ve been so scared to open my mouth to tell anyone how I feel.

I’m scared to be ashamed of for feeling like a terrible mom, a horrific wife and downright weak woman for not being able to handle these emotions and show nothing but joy for such a miracle that so many people only hope for.

I have felt like I have no one to talk to because no one in my family has ever expressed that they’ve felt this way so it’s not possible for me to be feeling this way or that if anyone has ever felt this way in my life, they’ve never voiced it so why should I?

Crippling Fear

Pregnancy is rough! A woman is literally giving up control over her own body as it prepares for another life. She’s dealing with a compromised immune system. Limbs and nerves that once felt fantastic now feeling much weaker. The need to constantly find a bathroom because she has to pee {even if she’s hardly had anything to drink}.

That’s not the fear I’m talking about though. I’m okay with that. Knowing that in 9 months, I’ll be welcoming a new life and holding my child in my arms. I cannot wait for that! {I was thrilled to hold Bryan for the first time in my arms}!

I’m talking about giving birth! No one ever talks about how scary it is! I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve woken up from a nightmare about giving birth…and I’ve already gone through it before {so shouldn’t I know what to expect?}!

Every pregnancy is different…so every birth, of course, would be different.

I’ve woken up in sweats terrified from the nightmares I’ve had about something going wrong. Something happening to either me or the baby.

I’ve been overcome with so much fear about not being there for my family. I’ve had to pull over my car on my way to or from work sometimes because I’m crying so bad about all the stories I’ve read about the moms who didn’t make it and the families who now have to continue life without her.

The babies who are growing up without a mom or growing up with a new mom. A husband who’s had to find a new companion to experience life with. I find myself calling me selfish for not wanting what’s best for my family, whether it means I’m a part of it or not.

For that reason, I’ve buried this crippling fear down deep inside me in the hopes that it would just pass, but in the moments when I’m feeling overwhelmed or alone, it comes crawling back up and I find myself crying in the car…crying in my office…crying at home. Feeling weak… feeling out of control… feeling selfish.

Insecurity

Pregnancy changes a lot. Not only the family dynamic, but it changes the woman herself- physically, mentally and emotionally. Yes, the whole family changes physically, mentally and emotionally as they prepare for another human being to enter into the daily routine of things in the home. I feel like the woman changes the most… and it’s a feeling that goes unspoken or unacknowledged.

As we prepare for our little girl {oh, that’s right…we found out this past Saturday}, I’ve not only felt insecure about my body changing and all these things happening to it that’s out of my control, but I’ve felt so insecure about the relationships I have with others.

Husband

In the past, I’ve felt insecure with other relationships because I had always been hurt. I had always been too forgiving, it seemed, and I felt like I was constantly setting myself up to get hurt…until I met Tory. He changed all of that.

He made me feel worthy, special, important, loved and showed me what unconditional love is, regardless of all the things I threw at him. In our first year together alone, he dealt with me losing two family members {my dog I had grown up with for 10 years and my uncle} all within a month of each other, he had to take care of me countless times because I had gotten sick and {my friends who really know me wouldn’t be surprised} dealt with me being on crutches for 3 weeks because I had fallen at work in a puddle of water.

After dealing with all of that and more, he still stuck around and showed me that I was worth every obstacle, we were worth every obstacle. I knew I had no need to ever feel insecure ever again because here was a man who stuck around and saw the worst in me and still believed in me when I didn’t even believe in myself.

So why have both my pregnancies, this current one even more so, made me feel so insecure about our relationship that I’m so stuck in my head. I’m worried about other people trying to butt into our relationship and ruin the one relationship that has ever made me feel like I’m worth it. I’m so worried that I haven’t done enough in our relationship or that I haven’t been doing my part and that I’ve been slacking. He reassures me almost everyday that I do too much for our family, but I still feel like I don’t do enough.

Family

I’ve had so many breakdowns and have snapped so many times with several of my cousins, my grandparents, parents and siblings that I’ve gotten stuck in my head that I’ve created this terrible image of me to them. I’m not the person they knew and grew up with.

I feel like I’ve been so up and down that they’re starting to get annoyed with being around me and would rather avoid me at all costs. I haven’t been able to talk to my family like I usually am without something making me breakdown or frustrating me more than it usually would.

There are a lot of times instead of talking to any of them about how I’m feeling, I just hold it in and hope that it goes unnoticed.

Son

Of all my relationships, this is the one I’ve felt the most insecure about. When Bryan was first born and up until just a couple months ago, we were very close. I did all his baths with him, he would crawl over to me at night and cuddle with me to fall asleep, he would be so excited to see me when I came home from work.

The more my stomach starts growing, the less he wants me. The more he cries when I try to take him from his daddy or his great-grandparents. The less I see that smiling face when I come home from work.

It’s made me so insecure that my relationship has changed with him that there are times when I’m so sad that I’m pregnant again because I don’t want to lose what I had with him.

I give him less baths now and have to rely on others because he squirms so much and has gotten so much heavier for me to lift out of the tub…it took away that time we had together. He doesn’t cuddle with me as much anymore at night…I’ve become jealous of his relationship with his daddy and that just makes me even more sad, because I know I should be ecstatic that Bryan has such an incredible daddy.

I’m scared that when baby girl arrives, my relationship with my son will never be the same as it was or that he’ll resent me for bringing another baby into the house. Yes, he’s only a one-year-old, but it hurts when he pushes away or when he doesn’t let me carry him.

I can’t wait for me to return home and play more of the stay-at-home mom role than working all the time and being unable to see him as much. I’m hoping that will help my relationship with him, but until then, I’m scared that he’s going to push away from me even more.

Pregnancy can be such a beautiful and incredible thing, but with it comes so many emotions. I wish that it were easier to talk to other people about it, but there’s always that fear that you’re being judged for not being a good mother when you’re feeling all these ways or for being weak.

I’m going to be honest, I stared at a blank page, a blank screen and my fingers hovering over the keyboard for what felt like days but was only a couple hours… I’ve been searching for the right words to say, for the right tone to express myself, for the right time to bring anything up at all. Even now, I feel like I shouldn’t be writing anything.

For a couple weeks now I’ve felt completely disconnected from everything and sadly, the two most important people in my life. I’ve felt no connection at all. I come home from work and when I once saw a smile from ear-to-ear, I only see very rarely.

Who’s Fault Is It

Don’t get me wrong, I love my son with all my heart and would lay my life on the line for him. I’d do anything to see him smile, and lately I’ve felt like I just haven’t been able to do that.

Yes, I’m jealous that he smiles from ear-to-ear every time his daddy comes home from work. Yes, I’m jealous that his great grandparents get to spend more time with him now since I had to go back to work.

It’s my fault that I’ve been disconnected from him since I have to do the laundry, cook, clean the house. It’s my fault that the only time I ever spend time with him is to give him his bath {and even these days he bawls his eyes out when we do that} or I’m changing him and feeding him.

It’s my fault that I haven’t found a work-life balance or that I’m spending two hours everyday commuting to and from work instead of spending those two hours with him. It’s my fault that I have to wake up at 4:30 AM every weekday morning to get ready for work so that I’m out of the house by 6:00 AM…

I distanced myself… So it’s my fault that I feel like I’m not the mother that he deserves.

Not Good Enough

I wrote a post a couple of weeks ago to new parents letting them know that they were enough and that we all knew that we were doing the best we could. I was completely lying to myself. I haven’t felt like I’ve done nearly as much as I should for my family.

When I’m constantly being told that “I still care too much about myself” or “I’m too young to understand what it means to be a mother,” or I’m just constantly being beaten down for the way I take care of my family, it begins to all sound true after a while.

For a while now I’ve felt like I’m not a good enough mother and wife. I’ve felt like I’ve just being in this huge daze going from one chore to the next. Putting on a fake smile and acting like all is fine in the world, all while I’m completely broken up inside. Not being able to talk to anyone about it because I’m scared of being judged for being selfish, being judged that I don’t want to be a mother or a wife or that I started a family too young and now my husband and son have to suffer for it.

Going Through the Motions

After being told day in and day out that I’m doing this and that wrong, it’s really hard to believe that I’m capable of doing anything at all.

Maybe the meals I’m making are actually disgusting. Maybe my baby’s bottles aren’t warm enough. Maybe I’m not cleaning the house enough. Maybe I’m not bathing my son the right way. Maybe he’s happier with his daddy because he’s around more or loves him more.

But none of this is ever allowed to be spoken about. None of my feelings should ever be validated as okay and that I should be ashamed for the way I feel. I should feel ashamed that I don’t take better care of my family or that I don’t show that I appreciate them. I should be ashamed for choosing a job that’s an hour commute each way instead of working closer to home.

Bottle It Up and Throw Away the Key

They say the first year is always the hardest. But they never mention that the obstacles could break you and that you may feel like you have no one to run to. Our marriage has suffered because I haven’t been able to communicate anything. We’ve argued more because I haven’t been able to ask for help.

How can I ask for help when I’m constantly feeling the need to prove to myself that I am good enough to be a wife, mother and teacher all at once? How can I ask for anyone to listen to how I’m feeling when I can’t even understand what’s going on? How can I expect anyone to understand when I’m feeling like I’m a failure for my own actions?

What more can I do other than to bottle everything up and just act like everything is okay?

I’ve always been better with my written words rather than speaking verbally, which in some ways have come back to bite me in the ass.

How can I tell other new parents that they are good enough when I don’t even believe it myself?

“You never know who your real friends are until a life changing event happens.”

This past weekend our little family attended a wedding and it definitely made me realize that even the smallest things in your life can change the way people interact with you.

I realized I was holding longer and more entertaining conversations with people who were once just acquaintances better than with those we considered our closest friends. Why?

We all shared one thing in common. We are parents of infants, toddlers and young kids.

Goodbye Social Life

When we first became pregnant, I became very apprehensive at the thought of us having to give up our social life outside of our home.

I was scared to give up the Friday night hangouts with Tory’s softball team. The random nights out to the bar or to Buffalo Wild Wings {because going to the bar on a night other than the weekend had become an okay thing as an adult I guess} would  be out of the question. I was scared that our friends would stop inviting us out because our new bedtime was way before they would even head out for the night.

It was as if the second my belly started to show, all of our friends we used to hang out with just disappeared. It was a gradual disappearance either…they all just vanished into thin air. We stopped getting invites, we stopped getting calls and texts. We weren’t part of the “cool group” anymore {“Sweats are all that fit me right now…” “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US!” -I wonder how many of you actually got the reference right away!}.

We had been exiled into parenthood. We stopped going out. Instead we were having dinner as early as 6 pm {because let’s face it, I was exhausted towards the end of my pregnancy}. We stopped staying up late. Instead we were in bed by no later than 8 pm {hello, exhausted!}.

Some say we did it to ourselves. We may have turned down more invites than we used to, but it still would’ve been nice to get an invite or given the option to hang out you know? Apparently that wasn’t the case anymore.

What hurt even worse than our social life going downhill was that people actually made us think that they were still there for us and supportive of us. This brings to mind my disastrous baby shower {giving me a reason as to why I’d never want another one in my life- how is it possible that over 40 people RSVP’ed to attend and only two people, not including my parents, showed up?!}

Now, looking back at the way I felt, I just feel stupid about it. Why on earth did I think saying goodbye to my social life would be so bad? I honestly wouldn’t trade the last 4.5 months with Bryan for anything in the world {but I guess that’s something every new parent has felt at some point}.

Hello Parenthood

I probably sound like I’m complaining about being a parent and not being able to go out anymore…in reality, it’s the COMPLETE OPPOSITE!! I wouldn’t trade being a mommy for anything! Bryan has been a blessing in disguise!

I always knew that one day I’d be a parent, but I never knew how much I wanted to be one until we held Bryan for the first time in the hospital. The second he was in my arms it was over! He had my heart and I’d do anything for him.

There are people that I talk to that question why I’d ever trade having a social life for the late night feedings, explosive diaper changes or even the screeching cries of an unhappy baby…my thoughts, they’re not parents yet, so they wouldn’t understand. The love you have for your baby changes your outlook on your life and the things you choose to do.

If I used to love staying up at night just to party it up with my friends, now I’d rather get up in the middle of the night to feed my son. If I used to love going out all the time just to get out of the house, now I’d rather stay home on the weekends and just watch TV with my husband and watch our baby grow into an amazing little man!

Finding a Balance

I applaud those new parents who have already gotten the hang of things and have been able to find enough balance and help so that they can still maintain a social life, or even the social lives they had before baby came around…how do they do it?!

Tory and I haven’t had a date night or even a moment just the two of us in 4.5 months without one of us toting Bryan around or keeping within in arm’s length in case he cries.

In all reality though, even if we could find a babysitter, why on earth would we want to go back to partying like animals and not having a care in the world when we have a sweet little baby at home waiting for Mommy and Daddy to come home? How on earth can any parent continue to drink like they did during those college party days without a second thought as to how their baby is doing at home?!

I already have withdrawals going back to work and feeling guilty because I wish I could be home with Bryan all day, every day. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I put my social life as a priority over him. I’m not saying that all parents do this, but I’ve met some parents and heard of some parents who continue to be selfish and think of themselves over their children.

I bawled my eyes out the day I was told that I had a baby too early and that I was too worried about going out when in reality the only reason why I needed to find babysitters was so that I could go to work and go grocery shopping {check out our post for new parents, “Dear New Parent, You’re Doing Great”}…

Like I said before, I’m not an expert at being a parent and I’ll definitely be learning the next 18 years, but it’s all about trying to find a balance between parenthood and having a social life.

I realize now that we will be finding ourselves around others who have kids as well and becoming closer with those parents who have kids around Bryan’s age rather than those who don’t have kids and are at a different point in their lives than we are. I’m not saying that our friends who don’t have kids aren’t worth our time anymore, because that’s far from it…I’m just saying that it’s getting harder to maintain relationships with those who don’t understand that we have put our roles as parents first instead of ourselves and our own social lives.

Leave some comments below on advice that’s worked for you to balance parenthood and a social life.